Happy Birthday, Kaydence

My Sweet Baby Girl,

Today, you are 10! Double digits baby!!! I still remember every detail about the day you were born. I had my 38th week check up the day before and I was in so much pain. You were ready for the world but I'm not quite sure I was ready for you. Dr. Hutchinson rushed me to Labor and Delivery. He placed me on strict bed rest for the next 24 hours and told me by 8 am the next morning I would be holding you. You know how I tell you things don't always go according to plan but they work out just like they should? Well, your birth was no different.

6 am arrives and Dr. Hutchinson was ready to take me back and prepare for your c-section BUT a trauma patient came in and we got pushed back. To say the least, I was irritated AND I couldn't eat! (And you all know how Mommy gets when she's hungry. #Hangry) At this point, it felt like it was one thing after another! It felt like nothing would go the way it was intended

Finally, somewhere in the 3 o'clock hour, they came to wheel me back. Nana was dressed in her scrubs to greet you and I couldn't have been more pleased. You were born at 4:19 pm...and what a beautiful sight you were. I couldn't see you because they put me to sleep. Everyone told me you were perfect; and of course, you were - you are mine! When I came into the recovery room and I realized what was happening everyone says I only asked one thing "does she have hair?" It was believed that if you didn't have heartburn during your pregnancy then your baby wouldn't have any hair. Your Nana laughed at me and replied: "She has plenty!" 

I know you worry when you see me cry but sometimes, it's happy tears! Other times, I cry because I worry if I've done enough. I wonder if I'm showing you the right way. I wonder how you feel about the life I've given you thus far. Our life hasn't been perfect. We've struggled and Lord knows I've done my best to never let you know it. I love you with every piece of me. I stare at you in pure amazement because I can't believe you're mine. You're so smart, talented, and beautiful. Please don't you EVER forget that!

You were my special gift - something I didn't know I needed. We've grown up together and we're still growing. I hope to make you as proud as you make me.

Love, 

Mom

Wow, it's been 10 years since I became a MOM. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's scary. My daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She made me a better person. She taught me some life lessons that you can only achieve through experience! 

Let's have a transparent moment here: I wish I had the perfect story to give my baby about how she was planned and we anticipated her arrival but I don't. She doesn't have the baby books filled with "mom and dad" - she only has me. My pregnancy was HORRIBLE. It felt like death and they say childbirth is closest you'll ever be to death. (They aren't lying!) I believe there was a purpose... there were so many times I wanted to give up - but I didn't. I was 16 and didn't know what the heck I was doing or how I would manage. But God had a different plan for me. He chose to give me her. He knew she was just what I needed. He's prepared me to be all that I can I can be for her. 

Although my journey with motherhood hasn't been the easiest it has been worth it. I look forward to her going to middle school, graduating high school and attending college. My wish for my baby is that she is better than I ever was.

Mother's Day 2018 💐💐💐

“Motherhood is a choice you make every day, to put someone else’s happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you’re not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again for doing everything wrong”

— Donna Ball

Have you ever had the feeling of needing to PRESS your way? Meaning you need to keep going even when you don't want to. That was me, Sunday. I just didn't want to. I felt so out of it. I had such an emotional day with my children the day before that I was mentally and physically exhausted. I sent the girls to church early with my mom so I could have few moments to gather myself. Well, I lost track of time. I found myself playing music and lighting candles...once I caught a glance at the clock I knew I needed to get a move on it. I'm so glad I did!

My granny and i 

mommy and me

The message was right on time, as it usually is when you don't feel like going to church. I felt a little better about things knowing that this was just a moment in time and not a forever place that I would be in. My daughters will get older. Fighting is normal, my sister and I did it forever! The only difference is my 4 year old is EXTREMELY bossy and my oldest doesn't know how to handle that.

But that's not what made this day so special for me. After church, I went to my Granny's house where my aunt and cousins joined us and I realized something. We have A LOT of women in my family. Where are the men? Not saying that you need a man but when do our children see a male figure in their lives? I grew up with both of my parents but their relationship is different than what I vision for myself. My grand father died a few years ago and he was an amazing man. I try not to allow myself to think about him because it's painful. One of those things I don't think I've fully dealt with...but that's a different story.

My mother and I ended the night with one of her best friend's and her daughters. It brought EVERYTHING full circle for me. This has been happening A LOT lately and I'm so grateful for the clarity. It was just a typical night but conversations begin to spark and ideas were being shared and in a group of 7 women we all had different experiences. It didn't matter that my mother raised me or that her friend raised her daughters we were all DIFFERENT. That made me want more...I felt the need to engage in adult conversation with older women. Sometimes, you need to take a back seat and listen. People can share things with you that you never knew you needed. One thing that stood out to me most from that was when Mrs. W responded to my mother's comment of "hearing someone else's story helps you to realize that you are not as bad off as you thought you were." with "Yes, but that doesn't make your story less important or real." That cut me like a knife!!! I think we are constantly telling others "it's not so bad" or "you could have it worse" and not allowing that person to feel their pain and have that moment. There is so much healing that HAS to happen. Mothers and daughters, sisters and brothers, FAMILIES need to have those hard conversations. It's time to stop sweeping things under the rug and we wonder why we're walking around with broken children! 

I went out on a limb and reached out to Mrs. W with the idea of us gathering more to share experiences, give advice and speak openly about a variety of topics. She said YES, so I can't wait for this to happen. I'm even more excited after watching Red Table Talk my heart is so full and I can't wait. I hope your Mother's Day was fabulous! 

Also, are you watching Red Table Talk? If so, let me know what you think! 

Mother's Day Interview: My Mom

Of course, I couldn't do a Mother's Day series without including my mom. Check out our interview below.

She's my rock 'ock, 'ock, ock, 'ock, 'ock, 'ock! (In my Plies voice)

1. How many children do you have?

2 girls, ages 27 and 30.

2. Did you always dream of being a mom?

Kinda, I knew I wanted children.

3. Where your children planned?

Yes, I got married older and knew I wanted to have my family complete by the age of 33.

4. How did your husband react when you told him you were pregnant.

He was very excited but he shows little emotion.

5. Did you know what you were having?

No, I'm not sure we could know at the time but I didn't want to know. 

6. What are the best parts of motherhood?

Seeing my children's milestones and spending quality time with them.

7. What did your mother teach you about being a mom?

She taught me that it's not easy and there isn't a manual for motherhood.

8. What values did you pass on to your daughters?

You'll reap what you sow.

9. What was the toughest lesson you learned through parenting?

I learned that you can't blame yourself for your children's mistakes.

10. What advice would you give other moms?

Allow your children to experience failure - otherwise, you become apart of the problem. 

11. What does being a mom mean to you?

It's a selfless act and you quickly realize that you are no longer independent. 

12. Do you have a quote or scripture that you live by?

Yes, my favorite verse. What shall I render unto the Lord for all his benefits toward me?  Psalm 116:12 King James Version

-What does that verse mean to you?

It's personal experience with the Lord, knowing that He was the only one who could have brought me through.